Spiritual Experiences

 Congratulations to GM Irina Krush for winning the 2020 US Women's Chess Championship.  It was held online and broadcasted via The STL Chess Club and Scholastic Center youtube channel.  I watched most of it.  The tournament lasted 4 days.  Irina was the only Grandmaster there.  She had an undefeated score, with I believe 3 draws.  There certainly was some brilliancy in a few of the games.  

The 2020 US Chess Championship begins Monday, October 26th.  First place is $40,000 - not bad!  I will be looking forward to watching the games online this coming week. 

A lot of tournaments these days from The US Chess Federation going completely online.  No thanks, not for me.  I keep searching and searching for any Over The Board tournaments.. can't find any.  I can't get my rating way tf up there if I'm not playing.  I really want to get to 2000 Elo. 

In other news...

Last night I "Googled", "How to have a spiritual experience".  Shame on me!  I've written before that people simply want these petty experiences because it brings them comfort.  But, I am ready for God to reveal himself to me (again).  I am ready to be given the key to shut my mind off.  Or am I?  I read that, ultimately, our awakenings come to us only when God knows we are ready for them.  It is our duty to put ourselves in that situation.   I also read somewhere online about "window-dressing",  burning incense, lighting candles and all that nonsense in an attempt to ignite an awakening.  There is nothing wrong with our life, our situation as it is.  We think we need to "window dress" because the egoic mind always believes what is happening right now and right here isn't good enough.  The task is for us to realize that nothing is ever lacking as it is.  Of course, some other websites I read recommended using psychedelics... no thank you!  I don't like drugs... of any kind!  Psychedelics can damage the nervous system.  My mind has never responded well to anything like that anyways.. especially marijuana, it gives me intense panic attacks!  I'm not going to be a monk, no thank you.  It's not necessary.  I bought a book a while back about wilderness being the "Gateway to the Soul".  I camped for a little bit in the forests a couple weeks ago.  I hated it.  I hate tent-camping.  ...it's the opposite of enlightening to me.  Another suggestion is to expand your mind through reading books from and talking to people who have different experiences and life-backgrounds from you.  Yeah, I think that can help.  Personally, I just want to learn to pray more, and I want to start reading the Holy Bible every day.  I want to buy a rosary and learn to "pray the rosary"... every day!    My last spiritual experience:  I stopped taking my medicine back in 2013, I thought I was in Hell for nearly half a year, and I suffered two stress-induced seizures and had 3 hospitalizations.  Hopefully I can make my next one a little more pleasant!

I've got about 35 pages wrote for a book I've been working on since last Spring (2020).  It's a lot of philosophy and religion stuff.. and some of my thoughts regarding psychology.  I already have two kindle books published.. but.. I want a full-length physical book!  It is my life's mission (one of my life's missions).  I hope to publish it independently and for it to sell and then have a major publisher buy it.  I don't have the answers though.  Maybe I shouldn't finish it until I've mastered my own life...

I need to get a job because I need to get a better car that is okay for cross-country travel because I need to hit the road again because, for me, wandering around the country is the gateway to my Soul.  I've had a lot of experiences from my travels over the past 6 years.  Crazy times!  And met some real characters!  My favorite city is Montreal QC.  I love Canada..   Shall not an enlightening experience simply be what brings us joy?  Joy itself is what enlightenment is!  But, this is the joy of being in God's presence which is something 99.99% of the human population has never experienced...

Yes, this weeks mission: GET A JOB!  I want to trade my car in for a Subaru Impreza Hatchback.  I can't afford a Subaru Outback although it would be easier to wander around North America in.  But, the Impreza hatchback will suffice.

My heart is broken, in all honesty.  Only God can heal it.  My parents broke my heart.  And I broke my own heart for some of the things I use to stay to and they I treated my father as a teenager.  I'm not going to go into details here.. I already wrote a memoir about my teen years and published it through Kindle.  My parents did some really shitty things to me though.  I'll leave it at that.  I'm 35 and I've never really been a relationship, I've never held a job for very long and I don't have many friends.  I had to drop out of High School because I was sick.  My brother is dead.  Only God can heal my broken heart right now.  I'm done with the "happy pills" people always suggest I get on.  I don't want that to be me.  Pills are still drugs, even though psychiatric.. they can damage the nervous system as well.  I only take one pill a day now for my mood.. been that way for over a year now.    

Boo for me, sorry I try to avoid this kind of blogging anymore...

I logged back in to Lumosity the other day for the first time in several years.  Yes, brain training!  Neuroplasticity!  Neurogenesis!  I'm going to buy a subscription from them again and start the mental aerobics again... everyday!

CBD... I stopped in the middle of this post to smoke some CBD.  I tried it for a half a year - the first half of 2020.  I guess I'll give it another try.. maybe.  I smoked some of it yesterday for the first time several months.  I'm skeptical it will help me.  It never has in the past.  I read an article online about Tommy Chong sharing his thoughts.  It got me interested in it again.  I'm desperate.  I think it's over-rated though.  I don't get the slightest sense of it treating my anxiety or depression.  I think a lot of ppl don't even know what they're talking about when they it helps.  Placebo, typical herbal remedy.

There's a new chess mini-series on Netflix, - "The Queen's Gambit".  Fictional story about a female chess player who dominates all competition.  I guess it's the female Bobby Fischer or something.  I still have to get my Netflix running again on my TV.  I watched "Borat 2" on Prime on my PC the other day.  It was NASTY - the fertility dance made me want to vomit.

I wanted to be the next Bobby Fischer.  It turns out I'm just the first me. 

It's nice having a place to stay for a while

There will be another day

- Lizzi