I Gave In To Consumerism

I got my check from work last Friday. I went out to the mall and Best Buy and bought a bunch of stuff that I don't need. *Sigh* How foolish! I gave in to the American way of consumerism. I learned that the temporary high of buying a ton of stuff I don't need quickly wears off and you are left with a vapid and dull aftertaste. I bought an iPhone 12 with unlimited data, HBO Max, and I also bought some shoes and more stuff for my computer. I didn't need any of it, of course. In my head, however, I had a justification for everything I was buying. What am I to do if I'm not going out buying things I don't need? Isn't that what living is? This is what we have been indoctrinated to believe at a very young age here in America! Well, there are plenty of things I could have done. I have a lot of books here in my apartment that I've always meant to get around to read. Instead, I thought of more books to buy on Amazon. Or, I could have spent that money to pay off part of the loan I took out from my bank a cuople weeks ago! Oh well, lesson learned. I've revised to do better. I won't buy with my next work check those new Ray Ban sunglasses I looked at on Amazon.com. I won't buy more clothing from VANS. I won't go back to the mall for a while.

Let's Get Real #LGR

Life is hard. We all know this. I am working around 20 - 25 hours a week now and thought there for a while that I may have bitten off more than I can chew. I'm delivering pizzas in Saint Louis, Missouri and it really sucks! But, we all have to start somewhere. Mid 30's and just now trying to build a resume. But, let's get real! Life is hard! You can't half-ass your endeavours. No, success takes a lot of work. This has been a recent rude awakening for me. I very recently published my first Amazon Kindle book that is about chess. I hired an amazing graphic designer from Africa (check out twenty4hrdesign on Fiverr.com) to design the cover for it. I'm starting to realize that if you're going to do something, it's either go all-out or don't bother at all.. otherwise, you are just wasting your time. It looks as though things are finally starting to work out for me. I've got more money coming in every month and finally working hard to build my brand - "Cultured Monk Media". I recently re-opened the personal homepage - https://calvinterlizzi.com I'm going to start selling "Cultured Monk Media" merchandise when I get a little bigger web prescence and following. I have a couple ideas for my brand's slogans. I still have a lot of thoughts about going into professional gambling... bought a bunch of books on the subject a couple months ago. Yah, sounds so cool! And, obviously can potentially pay a Hell of a lot better than chess. I am in a room from someone's house. I found a pretty good deal. One of my roommates has two dogs. I love animals - especially dogs! Wildlife has always been a fascination of mine.p Anyways, guess that's all. And, sorry it's been so long since I've posted! Life is hard, let's get real! - Lizzi

Bhoga

 Bhoga is Yoga.  The Bhogi enjoys to live while the Yogi lives to enjoy.  Ultimately both paths lead to the same end, but we must learn to combine the two.  If we have no goal, we will get nowhere.  If we do absolutely nothing to enjoy ourselves in the moment, we will also get nowhere.  To clear things up a bit, bhoga is more the lay life which in part involves more going out and having fun.  While the Yogi's goal is God-Realization before his life comes to an end or perhaps in one of his next incarnations as a human.  We must learn to combine the two paths.  If we strictly follow one or the other we may go insane.  The Buddha also taught the importance of "the middle way", which sort of applies here I suppose.  

I'm almost finished reading Thich Nhat Hanh's "The Heart of The Buddha's Teaching".  This may be the greatest and most important book I've ever read regarding Buddhism.  Yes, Thich Nhat Hanh is the closest human being you will find that is comparable to Lord Buddha.  

I got into meditation right around my 20th b-day.  I went through an inner-transformation that lasted nearly 4 months, but ultimately ended up in a disaster.  I believe I combined bhoga with yoga by spending 5 years traveling North America (2014 - 2019).  I  needed to devote a significant amount of time enjoying myself living life.  Which I did because travel is my favorite activity.  Someday I will see Europe and Asia!

We must follow the middle way.

There will be another day!

- Lizzi

The Need for Continuous Improvement

Things were going well for me.  I spent 6 years traveling North America (2014 - 2020).  Now my mind is collapsing, so it feels.  I was never happy.  But there was finally some peace.  Unfortunately, I became complacent.  There was more I should have been doing.  There was more I should have been striving for.  I shouldn't have given up the pizza job and left Tucson AZ back in 2018.  I should have been focusing on my physical health as well - join a gym, stop smoking, add in some supplements (I recently started a Super Greens and a protein supplement).  And, I have cut back on the smoking (tobacco).  But, I'm not in very good shape (mentally).  I can't stop thinking about "the narrow gates that lead to life".  I already mentioned in a previous post how much my OCD tortures me.  I start a new drug for it soon.  

We should always be working on improving ourselves in every which way possible.  The search never ends until we've merged with God... maybe even then it still isn't over!  I started reading a Wayne Dyer book - "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life".  I'm about seventy pages into it... maybe it's changing my thoughts a little.  Actually, any input into our minds is going to alter our thoughts.  This is where the importance of picking our friends and those who we associate with comes in.

I finished the book of Sirach in the Old Testament today.  What did I learn?  Blessed and wise is the man who fears God!  I also started a book which I would recommend to any Christian - "Philothea, or an Introduction to the Devout Life" by Saint Francis de Sales.  I always try to read as much as I can.  There's not much chess left in my life.  Although, I may fly out to the National Open in Las Vegas in June (or July, don't know the exact date) if my mental health improves.  I'm in no condition to be traveling or going anywhere right now.  All is not well, but I've been worse.  

There will be another day!

-Lizzi

   

Self-Help, Philosophy, School...

 I once was obsessed with getting comments and views and subscribers on my blogs and Youtube channel.  I once had someone tell me to simply write for myself!  Indeed, writing for yourself can be quite therapeutic.  

Not a whole lot going on in my life right now.  I tried holding another job, again I failed.  You hear a lot of self-help "gurus" talking about how you need to fail more.  Failure is what makes us grow.  This is true to a point but sometimes can be wayyyyyyy off, for there is such thing as setting yourself up for failure, which is what I did this past week.  I gave fast food a shot and failed miserably.  Low self-esteem, actually... NO self-esteem, it keeps me from being a productive member of society.  Thinking you are worthless can actually lead to being worthless (in some ways).  Confidence is 99% of everything. Confidence and self-esteem is the most valuable thing anyone can take away from you!

I've been reading a lot - philosophy and foreign language.... currently almost finished with a book on stoicism written by one Ward Farnsworth. Quite interesting his book is!  I picked back up my Francais studies.  I read the entire French for Dummies book last Summer.  It took a little under 3 months if I recall correctly.  I read THE ENTIRE THING - cover to cover!  I was proud of myself for having that much discipline.  Unfortunately, it didn't help a whole lot.  Those 21 chapters acted as a mild primer for the French I studied in High School 20 years ago.  I needed to be implementing what I was studying into everyday life.

I want to be a polymath - someone with a wide array of knowledge from things like mathematics, foreign languages, history, anatomy, etc...  Thought of going back to school... not sure.  I mean, I'm not so young anymore (coming up on middle-age).  College would just remind me of what school I experienced as  a kid.  I absolutely hated high school!  I have a bit of an unconventional style and mindset.  I think... a truly brilliant and clever person.. doesn't need school to be successful.  I've had people tell me to save the time and money and just buy books instead.  

I've been thinking of opening up my domain again - culturedmonk(dot)com.  I have a lot of ideas I want to share with the World, but at the same time I'm trying to be a little more anonymous/stealth on the web these days... I'm not going to reopen the domain I had under my full name... hmmm... but maybe I'll just stick to this blog here on Blogger.  I've had it for over 7 years now!

That's all for today.

- Lizzi     

Chess

Even to this day I still am trying to figure out what I want to dedicate my life to.  Maybe chess is it, maybe not.  However, (I shouldn't be saying this) I lost my passion for the game (chess) many years ago.  I just don't have that drive in me anymore like I did when I was a teenager.  Actually,  I don't think I have a drive left in me for anything.  

Sometimes, I ask myself, "What is the point of playing chess competitively if  you're not going to get the master title and play on a national level?".  Why should I do it?  What is the point of playing just for fun?  On the other hand, without amateurs like myself, there would be  no professionals.  I guess you could say that by my playing, I'm supporting the game Worldwide.  

Can I still even improve my game at my age?  Sure, I can become more knowledgeable in endgames studying endgame diagrams, and I can expand on my knowledge of openings.  However, I doubt I can improve my core playing skill.  

I am good at the game (I won't deny that).  One of the best days of my life was a tournament I won back in 2012 in my hometown.  When I look back on it, I wonder how that didn't give me the motivation to start busting my ass everyday, working on improving my play.  I had an friend from Italy who once told me a while back to find my passion again for the game.  Is this really something someone can do.. to make things find passion again in something they lost their passion for before?  Maybe...  I think that, perhaps, chess is who I am (been playing in tournaments since 1996) and for me to give up the game is not being true to myself.  I wish I could find a career in chess organizations like the United States Chess Federation.  I mean, obviously I'm not going to be a professional chess player, but perhaps I can still find a profession in chess (in the chess world).

"You bring something to society by being a damn good chess player!"  -  G. Jokipii

I'm heading south soon.  I can't be around for the cold weather.  Some nights I have to sleep in my car.  I am effectively homeless at this time.  But, I have a car with a warm blanket, pillow and a lot of chess books!

- Lizzi 

Words...

 I'm back in the Midwest now, after visiting a friend in New Mexico.  I had to pick up a few things.  I am taking off again soon.  I'm not sure where to.  I'm not going back to AZ or NM again.. too many Covid restrictions!  I don't like!  

It has been an exhausting past month for me.  I have been on the go 24/7... even living out of my car for a couple of weeks #LifeOfaPoorMan  

I've been slacking on the chess studies for a while.  I did Chess.com tactics trainer on the iPhone App yesterday and today for the first time in a while.  I don't know when my next tournament will be.  I was planning on going to the 2020 National Open in Las Vegas this month, but I ran out of money by the time I got to Vegas.  At least I can say I've officially gambled in Vegas - I went through 27 dollars in less than 10 minutes.  I'm not even sure if the National Open ended up getting canceled.. I'll check right now!  Hmm,  not sure how to check for previous tournaments.  The USCF completely changed there website as well.  I just "Googled" it... The 2020 National Open was cancelled on September 8th by the Nevada Gaming Control Board.  Okay...  Notice I put "Google" in quotes.  I don't use Google.  I use private search engines like DuckDuckGo.  

Well, I'm going to watch a movie (The Luzhin Defence) and then go to bed.  I haven't seen "The Luzhin Defence" in many, many years and I don't remember much of it.  It was loosely based on the player from the 1800's - Bardeleben.  He was famous for walking out on a game against Steinitz after ending up in a lost position during a game for the championship I believe.  

There will be more! 

Thanks for reading!

- Lizzi